Our Cheating Hearts

But a life that took years to build came crashing down in a moment; the moment she learned her husband was living a double life.

Lisa’s castle—the life she thought she had—was destroyed when she received a text message from her husband that she knew wasn’t intended for her.

Looking back Lisa says she never saw any signs that hinted something was amiss; her husband was always home at night, they slept in the same bed and remained intimate and never fought.

“I don’t understand how a person can betray another person like that,” she says. “That sense of betrayal never goes away.”

While some couples choose to work through the pain, others like Lisa find their marriages taking a different path that doesn’t always include the other person.

Carolyn Bergen, a marriage counselor in Winnipeg, says it’s without a doubt difficult to overcome betrayal. She has worked for the past 19 years as a therapist and counsels couples attempting to overcome marital infidelity.

She says marriage counseling offers “a safe place” to discuss potentially explosive issues that present themselves during heated sessions.

“We help the discussion by ensuring that each partner can feel, be heard and understood,” she says. “And to work to gently expose some of the underlying layers to what has happened.”

It’s not always easy talking openly after one realizes their partner has been unfaithful. Beyond the silent treatment or arguments there are a lot of unspoken emotions threatening to spill to the surface. And sometimes couples therapy might be the way to get those feelings out.

Carolyn says therapy works to establish safe and effective ways to communicate in and out of sessions.

“We work together with the couple on the immediate crisis of the discovery of the infidelity and on the dynamics within a person and between the couple that created the environment in which the infidelity occurred,” Carolyn says, who also specializes in family and children therapy.

“We work towards each spouse accepting responsibility for their actions and making an appropriate apology for those actions.”

There isn’t an easy way to cope when a person is faced with marital infidelity. A person can go through a series of emotions that may seem unusual to get to the heart of how they’re really feeling.

Carolyn says some immediately respond with complete shock while another person’s reaction may go straight to anger. Most surprisingly, she says some may feel a sense of relief.

“Now it all makes sense,” Carolyn explains, about the reason why some feel relief. “I’m really not crazy for noticing what I did.”

But why do people cheat? What causes one to stray?

It’s not a simple question to answer but psychologist Dr. Richard Shore says the reasons vary from men to women.

He says it’s hard to talk in generalities but women cheat due to interpersonal compatibility. Or in other words, a woman forms a new relationship with a man to talk and soon their friendship takes a turn towards romance. On the other hand, he says men stray for sexual reasons.

“If it kind of lulls into a roommate situation–it’s very plain and the wife is at a loss because she doesn’t realize that this is happening,” Shore says, who has been a psychologist for almost 20 years and specializes in anxiety, depression and relationships. “It appears to be okay but then he makes use of his time going after the passion, the pursuit of this other exciting relationship or what he feels is exiting. It’s like going back to being a teenager—all empowering and all encompassing.”

Time has passed but Lisa says it was and still is difficult to talk about how she’s feeling. She says many don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

But Carolyn says the comfort of family and friends can be invaluable, especially at this difficult time in a person’s life.

“At the time they stay away because the discomfort is so great that they have difficulty tolerating being around a person that is in so much pain that they care about,” Carolyn explains.

“Family and friends need to be supportive. It is tempting to take over and make decisions for someone who is hurt and confused. Often friends and family are also angry and hurt and may try to impose what they think should happen. However, at a time when a person is feeling rather out of control it is important to avoid reinforcing that feeling.”

LOCAL RESOURCES:

The Manitoba Psychological Society has a psychologist referral service that can point you to clinicians who specialize in marriage and relationship issues. Visit www.mps.mb.ca for more information.

Beginning Experience is a religious-based centre that offers group peer counseling to divorced and separated individuals and their children. For more information go to www.winnipegbe.ca.